serious-ness-osity

OKay people.
Its funny how when your trying to explain something to someone you like, okay so I'm like a super articulate person most of the time...but when I'm just trying to get something out 

(to a boy, ahem)..
i just feel like a scared girl scout trying to sell cookies to someone I KNOW is a rapist,
( umm okay so maybe, well yeah that was the WORST possible example. )
point is: I'm usually dead on,
last night, mmm not so much, i was trying to tell this kid that i was worried because he was starting to become, okay well he was starting to get this syndrome its very rare, and obnoxious...its called
"Ellen's bitch disease"
Now i don't want anyone to get this ever o her are some signs and symptoms to know if its coming on...

#1 MAJOR WARNING SIGN pet names such as: baby,baby girl,gorgeous,beautiful,lovely,love,sexy,button,little lady...you people think I'm kidding but i have been called ALL of these
#2 THE PHONE: fuck that device,so its starts out them not calling enough, so i bitch about it and well then the call all the fucking time......
#3 flowers, candy, love notes and such...

( and then i realized)
WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL OF JESUS CHRIST'S CHURCH BODY BLOOD AND TEARS AND I'M COMPLAINING ABOUT??


boo fucking hoo Ellen, boys are too nice to you..wow

so this is the point in the conversation that i realize

Maybe i have been so twisted in the knot that is my control over ever boy i have ever been with that i truly make it impossible for some cute nice boy to just TAKE ME, you know?
I want to NOT have the upper hand, i want him to be in charge, i want to be able to keep up with him, worship the ground HE walks on...sadly this will never happen
UNLESS.

i learn to let go,shut my too thin lips,wait to kiss,learn to control MYSELF.

I want to fall so hard in love that the bruise on my tailbone will feel better every time he kisses it.

i want to fall soo fucking deep that i have to look up to HIM for an answer or two. 

(p.s i mean this figuratively of course seeing as my boy is well, okay so i cant physically look up to him, but figuratively yes)

I want to fall, S l o w l y...i want to take too long, think about why i say 8 letters, 3 syllables, 3 words...i will not, can not, refuse to rush into that.

I want to let myself be taken in, swallowed, consumed by the fact that 

i have no fucking clue what is going to happen tomorrow, how I'm going to feel

but kids

  i think that's sorta the whole point.