friday night....THNINK TANK!!!

friday night THINK TANK, no no no readers, you may think hat it is some sort of spin on a trivial pursuit beer bong...oh how i wish it was so,but nope, for the past 2 hours, there has been a DEEP conversation of happines, solitude and well yeah basically realll deeep shit.
warning: i realize this is all very mean but i was at the end of my rope. many tears were shed, no one noticed, i finally talked, and well we all know how taht works out.
here is what i have learned my trailer park, mexican self...
ellen is not insightfull, smart and she does not have anything important to say.
no but really, among these young thinkers, we have a writer, brain, and insanely wordy emotional examinist....my job assignment:janitor
I know i am bashing myself, no one is going to read this so yeah
im pity bloggin it. DEAL

Im laughing inside.
These talks are HILARIOUS.
Im seriously freaking out...
FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE
fuck the "you in the dress" be the you right now, be the YOU in pijamas and no bra.
I am the me on friday. today. I am the ME in love. I am the ME who isnt going to dump my boyfriend because I need to discover myself. I will discover myself, jesus christ.
Dont get me wrong.. Im all about the intellectuals. but really?
we have been doing this all day.
We are now being graced by a lovely reading...
A READING. its friday night. . . As i write this, i know I KNOW, im being mean.
And usually its about random kids who hurt MY friends. I cannot lie, the last time I wrote something like this in a blog I was hurt and confused to the point where i stoppped writing.
It is only fair to explain MY philosohy while bashing that of my beloved friends.
( I say that without sarcasm ACTUALLy, i love them, its just like.... you know.. COME ON. )
so heres mine:
(p.s its not as good as the three hour philosofical "think tank" that has been my friday night but anyways..)
ready folks???? you sure?? i dont know if you can handle it.
I ellen may wolf think that the people who know most about themselves arent the ones who sit in a room talking about how they are going to "find out who they really are"...its funny how simple the answer seems to me. Instead of talking baouthow you are going to do it... GO DO IT. now
for godness sakes, stop thinking on whther or not its better to throw caution to the wind or carefully calculate your every "self discovering " move. throw it all out, fucking rock it out.

ANSWER: GO outside, and umm live your life.

wait nooooo that was too easy.

lets try this

answer: DONTPLAN, bust out, have some FUN.
there you have it. no need to thank me. it took me about 6 mins, 2/3 of a box of zours and about 2 hours of pent up aggresin and hurt.


SHITTY BLOG.

who cares, not me
im gonna go
DISCOVER MYSELF.
hahahaha

wow.

have i really not posted since october, thats insane 

i feel bad, i really truly wish i had the time energy or confidence to try and wow the blogging world with my silly nothings thoughtfull words and thoughtless insults...

well, mexico is the game and the rules are only those that apply to the individual.

gringa, mexican, hot, cold.

big blind, small blind, in poker its a sure win.

big blind, your in... theres not much you can do.. up the anty, raise the stakes kick so fucking ass.

small blind. are ou really gonna fold when your already half way into a perfeclty decent game...?

the answer is no folks. If your already halfway, whats a couple of chips, a couple of kisses, throw yourself out there... fucking call that bet.

how do i win at poker?

honestly?

do you really want to know?

am i just a fantasic conwoman, bluffing my way to table full of loveletters, kisses, flowers, and promises all showering off of the table in some horrific display of material affection..

nope.

you ready for the secret..?

OH COME ON

Poker is a game of chance, texas hold em' is a fool's game.

win lose bet raise call check, fuck, hard

live, LOSE, raise that fucking anty.

kisses here and there, and a bif FUCKing pot..

yeah i said it.

are there buy ins?

hmm well lets see, if you fuck up, lose, and want back in?

well then i guess it just depends on the people you are playing with.

me? not too hot on buy ins, but hey if he's got big chips and a rock hard ass. 

then yes kind sir. show me whatchya got.

I have learned that in poker i take no pleasure in beating the unexperienced

maybe a little in the big timers.

 so yeah pretty much my point is.

as of this point.

he has all the chips

i have absolutely NO intention of losing..

pocket aces.

straight flush.

an eyefuck away.

whatever.

ha

yeah you know.

I'm All In.

dare me.

please, i want to be pushed.

dare me to kiss you harder

like you more

dare me to care

 till my heart brain and tear ducts cant take it anymore.

dare me to loveyou.

run your fingers through my hair.

scraping my thoughts under your nails.

please.

hey asshole, 

dare me to kiss you like crazzy in front of your parents.

dare me to yell at you in the hall.

dare me to chose my underwear with you in mind.

truth me till i cry 

and finally realize that you are my dare

and even though

i NEVER turn down a dare.

heres a truth,

im scared of your dare.

its not a kiss

or a four letter word

proof of my affection

Your dare;

is for me to breathe, 

and let you 

IN

shit, please lets not play this game, 

ill be the loser, you win. 

just dont dare me to do that 

lets kiss till it hurts

dont make me mean it. 

truth: what scares me

 the most

is that i do.

fine.

dare me

im in.

shit. 

im in.

wow.

You can all take it when i dish out normal judgments to everone else, but cant when i say something about you... actually?

i finally say how i feel, actually finally.

and your offended.

hobbies do not make us who we are nor do test scores.

but hah its like i finally rant baout something that truly pisses me OFF. 

and i have to feel bad about it. 

then i will just have to leave poetry to those who are good at it.

im obviously not. 

god.

you rant and rave when its about other, but fuck if i step on your toes with the TRUTH of how i feel.

last blog.

i will find a better birthday present.

kickin' ass and takin' names...

               why dont we do it in the road?

-seriously, i mean why the hell no

t?

Lets just go out there and do it in the god damned fucking road.

Right on those little white stripes, theyre too straight anyway, lets make em wavy.

I think that i'm a really angry person, and that sometimes that maybe seeps into my sex life, which makes me come to the conclusion tha

t not only do 

i wanna do i tin the road but i wanna do it s l o w l y in the road, so the cars can se what a beauty my body can be, not just a blur of how quic

k i can

 go.

  why so seri

ous?

Seriously, lately i have felt the tension of everday like th

ere is some huge weight on my shoulders. My father is missing, I want to sucker punch politicians and junior sluts, i cannot throw a frisbee to save my life, and i am currently realizing that three really is a crowd.

I somehow seem to always be the crowd.

I'm done writing this blog to cater to the readers, im now catering to myself. Finally.

I am sick of being they third, i want to be the second, or if i dare the first.

NO matter how hard i try, to mke everyone happen an

d fight peoples battles as to not see a single tear be shed by those i love, somehow its me that gets the surpluss of them.

I have known them since 6th grade....well thats too bad because they have known eachother since the FETUS.

No problem, i feel no need to compete, i know where i stand, loved.. right?

mmm it brings a shattering breaking unexplainable shudder when i think about what would happen if they had to chose one another over me

... the answer readers as you may know is

CRYSTAL

take this as you may, i cannot fill shoes of witty 

gay best friend, or poetic breakable friend, and never mind ivy-leaugue headed genius, how about fr

eckled beauty who is too sweet to realize how amazing she is.. it feels good to stop trying to be witty and wry and just actually say what I THINK. so here it is:

i wish someone would want alone time with Me, a date, private lunch, or just somehow im always with that person. Its not like i would mind usually, but its just sooo utterly exhausting feeling insignificant.

slideshow:check.

Information nobody wants to hear: check

Feel amazing about finally saying something about it: yes, oh god, yes.

{so readers i know its not what you wanted, but this ones for me, so really... suck it up, i need

 " a little help from my friends"

right now, thebeatles are doing that for me.

goodnight readers

[friends]

i love you.

[but tonight,finally i love me more]

tomorrow it will be all about you

[i promise]

anatomy.

   { Drink to me only with thine eyes

   And i will pledge with mine

  Or leave a kiss but in the cup,

  And I'll not look for wine. }

I love that. I looked into a kids eyes much too much this weekend and choked back the "i love you" word vomit just trying to surface, sometimes i just get so overwhelmed that i feel like the work LIKE isn't good enough... at ALL i mean how many times do you hear the average teen say the word "like" on a daily basis.

how then dear readers could it suffice for my feeling when looking directly into almond eyes...?

Well, anatomy... doesn't anyone else wish we had an EXTRA organ.. hmm 

heart: check, brain: i like to think so, Stomach : Ha most DEFF check Lungs: wait, (inhale... e x h a l e) CHECK!

so what about this new organ? what shall we call it? hmmm, shit man. okay ,got it:

Justtellmewhattherighthingtodorightnowsoidonthavetofigureitoutonmyownorworryabouttheconsequences...

wwooooooot, I LOVE IT, i know we have judgment centers in the brain but nothing compares to my organ!

it can tell you what indie outfit to wear, if someone is REALLY eye-fucking the shit out of you, or just staring at a booger...

MY ORGAN can keep back the word vomit, it can secrete special fluids to flush your check at the right times, 

literally release your inhibitions with special endocrine hormones that actually allow you to not give a flying fuck about the outcome of a kiss    or scream or    secret.

My organ can cure Gittelman's Syndrome, Heart Ache, Butterflies, you name it!

All I can hope for now is:

That my heart can pump enough blood and my brain can send enough neurons to get this organ pumpin'

well, yeah im wearing all black...so what asshole?

{I am his security password.}

I wonder if he knows that he is my journal entry, my greatest achievement, my deepest scar.

Ive spent my entire night trying on flannel, tights and trying to find some bigger god damned headphones... indie october is in full swing and im stoked. All black, vampire weekend and all nighters here i come.

im trying to center my thoughts, in order to provide suffient information to keep this blog alive. I hope its not drying up, im  truly sorry i just haven't feel sufficient enough lately to be worthy 

you know?

I'm sure reader, you do. If you feel sufficient and whole..well umm,

BACK THE FUCK OFF FROM MY BLOG BITCH, NORMAL PEOPLE LIKE YOU HAVE WHOLE HEARTS, CLEAN SHEETS AND SIZE 2 JEANS TO GET BACK TO!

anyway. i'm truly sorry if i have been sorta letting it slip lately, lately i have just been thinking about how many people in my life i truly dont feel worthy of...what have i done to deserve such a freaking source you know? A source of energy, love, compassion, understanding, i feel like someone as mediocre as myself shouldn't deserve the amazing light i get from these people. 

this is not a pity party for me, nor are you the goodie bag..(haha ohh nickandnorah)

im not going to cry and put on my size 8 jeans yelling that im fat..

(seriosusly though if you are normal and skinny please grace some other confidence lacking human with your oh so gracefull presence)

what other people see:

me:

Im confident.

{at times}

Im beautifull

{with the right amount of makeup}

Im skinny

{Only because im sucking in 27 fucking seven}

Okay wow PITY PARTY IS OFFICIALLY CRASHED.

Dunno why i just went there, apologies, fuck i apologize too much

shit im doing it again...sorry

FUCK.

This blog is all over the place, hmm how shall i bring it back together.

oh wait i WONT because thats how we all are, 

Friends,Family,Lovers,Strangers

keep me close to being somewhat whole,

there is a constant pull in every direction of the way i feel.

sometimes the pain is excrutiating.

sometimes i have never felt so free.

point is:

If we were all whole and shit,haha

well that would just be plain boring.

no one wants a whole 

I want pieces:

Habits

Imperfections

Freckles

Obnovious laughs

Fears

Hopes

Secrets

All of these things sorta kinda make up who we are in my opinion..

But thats just me

And  well you may have noticed....

Im   f a r     ---------->                from normal.