Nothing snazzy. Just a thought and and a couple observations.

Observation:

Since middle school two kids have simply not given a flying fuck what the anyone else thinks.I watched them eat together alone under the overhang outside of Roosevelt. Not one day did i see them make the short journey over to the other side of the road like EVERY other sixth grader...Monotonous Eugene rain, or unexpected shine, they always packed a lunch. As a snobby 6Th grader i used pity them, and think that i should bestow some sort of nicety to them...How sick is it that i thought they should envy ME? Now i realize that those two are the ones who have it all figured out..they are still best friends and have probably manage to escape three years inside the skinner box some people call high school with nothing but a few bruises, while most of us will be somewhat scarred for life.

 side note: I secretly hope they fall in love and have babies

(well i think she might be a lesbian but oh well.)

Observation #2:

I watched a couple today. They embraced as if it had been an aging twenty years when I'm sure it was no more than a day. They kissed as if they just KNEW romeo and Juliet lived happily ever after, no question. She is from my SAT prep class trying to break her impressive 700 score.He is handsome, way cooler than he realizes and is hoping not to get his heart broken by smile. There is no doubt to the naked eye that he is more attractive than she is. But with only my stalker-ish observation through a supermarket window it is painstakingly obvious that even in her awful 1992 hand me down skirt and combat boots he sees the finely tuned legs of a supermodel somehow walking in perfect time to his accelerated heartbeat due to her inevitable proximity.

Thought:

{Sidenote: This really great kid is sick and i wish that i had the ability to make bruises disappear and would give anything to be able to replace 15 pills a day with 15 kisses}

 You know when you sort of have a longer than usual meaning full look with someone? I would really appreciate it if someone could calculate the exact time period in which that would be considered.."longing" or "interested" or "in love" or "so in love its sorta embarrassing" [ As i wrote this at a coffee shop {cliche i know sorry.} I'm trying desperately to get this kid to look at me so i can start to hypothesize, but he's doing homework and its not really working, fuck ha ha] After many futile embarrassing attempts at footsie and throat clearing, i was fed up, so i simply smacked My book against the table ( a little bit louder than i expected but effective none the less) He looked up for about 2 freaking seconds and then reverted back to vocab.. shit.

This is the point that i realized I'm trying to come up with an exact equation of how much a boy likes me, or how long our relationship will be based on my projected idea of a lengthy eye-lock.

BAD ELLEN!

blog-esque slap on the hand.

no equations, just coffee.

Politics.

A few of the comments got me thinking on how geared towards sex and religion my blog is, I was thinking of ways not to become a "one trick pony" and thought that maybe I should write about politics...BUT as i ws trying to formulate some kind of idea on what to write about i realized that politics intermingle with every single human relationship know to man...especially sexual ones.

sorry kids but today i will be talking about the sick campaign politics of men and women:

Are we not always trying to make ourselves look better in front of the other sex? 

(or political party).... 

Are debates not what make our interactions interesting?

 All of these things lead up to the ELECTION, or well sex...Do you pass the vote? Will you be elected to see another term between the sheets?

politics: Do we not mudsilng in efforts to hurt the other person, and put on a smilling face when it comes to actual face to face interactions?

Im sorry im asking so many questions but its one of the only ways to get my point across.

democrat? rebublican?

LETS BE LIBERALS

If we were liberal, or some sort of third party then maybe all of the behind the scenes backstabbing manipulating bullshit would go away. If we were liberal in our acts of relationship politics, maybe we could truly be honest or "save some freaking trees"

Point is, who ever is officeholder in this constant campaign for happines will no doubt be left unscathed in the end... if we were equal in the eyes of not god but senate would we not be better off?

in the end of this drawn out, relatioship election...

my vote goes to ron paul.

sunday sunday sunday!

I was presented with the task of writing a "radio announcement" for the catholic reformation in my AP euro class...here what i have so far-->

{ SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! That's right folks wanna get rid of all your Saturday night sins?well come on down to confess to your very own completely celibate priests! All celibate, all the time...Feast your eyes on the back of old men who are preaching what should be your everyday routine in a language you cant understand! Scared of going to hell? noooo problem, just donate to our new big ass church and your time in purgatory can be reduced up to 2 MILLION YEARS! don't have much money, that's okay because you can be approved! do some good deeds and let the pope know! the new and reformed church is, well its basically strict as hell and if you don't listen to us, well have the Jesuits come down and rape and pillage your skinny serf asses! Just A Reminder: Just because the renaissance happens doesn't mean your a better person! over and out.-the pope a.k.a jesus's chosen one a.k.a not you so BOW DOWN}

ohhh homework, its funny how I can sit around all day sunday and think about doing you..

[sidenote,howwierdwoulditbetoactuallyhavesexwithyourhwmmmmm...anatomyanyone?]

 I went to the Butera-Smith household yesterday...watched a little football, spent a little too much time in bed OH WAIT you canot spend too much time in bed. my bad.

Yeah so pretty much, that kid is amazing, and instead of thanking god 

(shit it mean GOD, this whole purgatory thing has got me on my knees, [sidenote:its funny that i should use THAT expression seeing that yesterday i WAS haha oh shit i need to stop these sidenotes]...)

Where was i? ohh yeah so remember how last week i thanked GOD, so this week without meaning to, while he was on top of me and had ahem, acomplished the goal every man should sometime in a highschool girls life... 

i for some reason whispered

"only me and God know how i feel right now"

{the reason i am telling you this reader is because if i tried to explain how i felt, hmm see you can just buy that kind of porn at airport bookstores}

 So im trying to conve my feeling through the expression i used yesterday, i hope thats good enough for ya, 

its about all i could come up with....

sidenote: im so sorry for the lack of actual content of my last couple of blogs, im really trying here and will do my best to step it up a notch.

he's my +1

reservations. who will be your "plus one"

 well readers today i ACTUALLY have one,his name is, Bob Cat.

We have a project today, its the rare phenom known as the south eugene high school freshman boy.

 (oh you know those things that stare at your chest, or in Bob's case, his crotch)

There is one sitting next to me right now and im not quite sure how to approach this, it is a little difficult seeing as whilst i am typing this my partner and plus one is trying to take a creepy snapshot with his less than worthy flip phone.

freshman#1(female specimen) marika jaeger:

hahah this chick is hilarious! she's scared shitless right now.I would like to write what she's saying but its sorta boring. She has been dating this kid, he's asian has braces and is looking reallly unconfortable right now. Her boyfriend just called me a stoner.

and now they are going judje us:

me: ,outgoing  preppy.

noah:skater,breakdancer

joe:drama kid, in the glee club

megan:merit scholar, genius,smart person

rowan:slacker,listens to rock and roll or punk.

 These two freshman are dating and they are adorable...they dont kiss much and thier parents dont know, im glad in not in their place but at the same time i envy thier virginity..not sexual of course..

-Bob Cat :

I'm not a drama kid. He won't let this go.

He sees me beat up Rowan, that doesn't matter? What. I'm not tough enough?

Then this random girl shows up and suddenly Nolan is up for grabs? Readers: I can't blog, but I'm pissed. Signing off,

I'm never going to come back. Once a reader, always a reader.

On that note, once a cheater always a cheater? Maybe not, but once a cheater, never coming back. Girl power.

serious-ness-osity

OKay people.
Its funny how when your trying to explain something to someone you like, okay so I'm like a super articulate person most of the time...but when I'm just trying to get something out 

(to a boy, ahem)..
i just feel like a scared girl scout trying to sell cookies to someone I KNOW is a rapist,
( umm okay so maybe, well yeah that was the WORST possible example. )
point is: I'm usually dead on,
last night, mmm not so much, i was trying to tell this kid that i was worried because he was starting to become, okay well he was starting to get this syndrome its very rare, and obnoxious...its called
"Ellen's bitch disease"
Now i don't want anyone to get this ever o her are some signs and symptoms to know if its coming on...

#1 MAJOR WARNING SIGN pet names such as: baby,baby girl,gorgeous,beautiful,lovely,love,sexy,button,little lady...you people think I'm kidding but i have been called ALL of these
#2 THE PHONE: fuck that device,so its starts out them not calling enough, so i bitch about it and well then the call all the fucking time......
#3 flowers, candy, love notes and such...

( and then i realized)
WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL OF JESUS CHRIST'S CHURCH BODY BLOOD AND TEARS AND I'M COMPLAINING ABOUT??


boo fucking hoo Ellen, boys are too nice to you..wow

so this is the point in the conversation that i realize

Maybe i have been so twisted in the knot that is my control over ever boy i have ever been with that i truly make it impossible for some cute nice boy to just TAKE ME, you know?
I want to NOT have the upper hand, i want him to be in charge, i want to be able to keep up with him, worship the ground HE walks on...sadly this will never happen
UNLESS.

i learn to let go,shut my too thin lips,wait to kiss,learn to control MYSELF.

I want to fall so hard in love that the bruise on my tailbone will feel better every time he kisses it.

i want to fall soo fucking deep that i have to look up to HIM for an answer or two. 

(p.s i mean this figuratively of course seeing as my boy is well, okay so i cant physically look up to him, but figuratively yes)

I want to fall, S l o w l y...i want to take too long, think about why i say 8 letters, 3 syllables, 3 words...i will not, can not, refuse to rush into that.

I want to let myself be taken in, swallowed, consumed by the fact that 

i have no fucking clue what is going to happen tomorrow, how I'm going to feel

but kids

  i think that's sorta the whole point.

im on a new kick.

ultimate...
Im going to KICK ass my friends, tomorrow is wed. im gonna get up at SIX in the mo'fuckin morning...im gonna go down to the Y an im going to show that fucking treadmill who's boss.
im going to be chiseled...and quick as a, well FOX (im not creating this blog for two specific people or anything..)
speaking of which...im horny again, jesus what is wrong WITH ME?
oh and speaking of jesus, today i learned that there was this dude named martin luther, who like you know... ISNT THE MARTIN LUTHER YOUR THINKING OF!!! yeah ifucking know! i was like dude, history? please i mean its not like your shitty number dates arent hard enough to memorize now you have to throw like twelve hundred dudes with the same fucking name at me too?
its like.."yeah dude totally did you hear about rosa parks?"..."oh you mean that chick who woulden't get off the bus?"....."no man, the OTHER rosa parks the one who INVENTED COMMUNISM".. and im like jiggaaa whaaaa?
i mean really lets get original here people..
oh and speaking of buses, rode one of those home today..haha i feel like sentence is just funny and i sorta want to allow you reader to justpaint yourself a lil picture..wait for it...yeah, no your right that woman is taking up TWO seats not one, i know i thought it was funny too...
SPEAKING OF WOMEN.
my ass is going to be rock hard...
and well speaking of hard, well umm i dont really have a connection, but i havent got much sleep lately and well since tomorrow IS a latestart...
okay so i will MOST DEFF work out next wed....

new leaf people, new fucking leaf.

so, well im not one to "name names"

I really feel like there isnt a WHOLE lot to be said on this matter in fact, i think im just going to be super duper mature about it, i mean come on, were all adults here

>seriosuslyitsnotlikeithinkheshouldhavetostickhisbarehandintoavatofboilingoilfortherestofeternityreachingforforgivenessfromu

i mean, people make mistakes and can all relate, there is a first time for everything, why not a first time for intense forgiveness?

>yeahlikethefirsttimeyouhavesexwithsomeoneinanastyhottubwheneverhethinksbackto"thenightheosthisv-card"hewillthinkoftheimenseassheisandtheavoidablepainfullhurthecausedyou

so, im not going to appease my intense desire to have a couple of friends knock on his door, sack tap the shit our of him, stan dover his poor read hed when he is convulsioning in pain, point ad simply say.. "YOU KNOW WHY"


>i mean, thats just ridiculous.he should be shamed enough when he has to watch the throng of men fight over that amazing woman, like some sort of sick un-aired planet earth waterbufalo at the drinking hole special...

>he's going to cry when he see's her rock hard ass, shifting its weight form left to right as she bounces up to the locker which he will regret placing next to something so spectacularly beautifull for the next 9 months of his sad puny little life.

> If i were not being mature and calm i might even venture on to say that its the biggest joke of all eternity that he could ever dream of hooking someone as amazing, well watch out freshman sluts.. HERREEE COMES A REDHEAD!!



Look i know there were high expectations of how mean i would be in this blog, im sorry to dissapoint....i guess, well readers,
i guess i may have just turned over a new leaf.

lovelovelove.

so, ummm i have a hickie. gross.

Ohh the weekend, what a fucking rollercoaster...
hmm lets do a super speedy recap shall we?
Friday:school,ultimate, found out the kid i sorta kinda like is NOT going to have his heart atop again, thank you god
(speaking of God haah i thanked him while that same kid was on top of me this very afternoon, that was a first for me, well yeah alot of things this afternoon were a first..) football game, we lost( what a SHOCKER), burrito boy, nachos, university park, indie kids, nawor smoking tobacco? wierd, hoan being all flirtacious, las pouting...get in the cra ZOOM ZOOM to a sketch ass motherfucking college party,HOME
saturday: Lazy morning, lazy Mid-Afternoon, movie with katie, ( it was soo fucking wierd) hannahs house,talk of men and commitment, get sorta freaked out ( hate the g word), FIGHT WITH MOM ROUND ONE!go home crying, break up with boyfriend a couple blocks away from home, call my guardian angel, boy calls me, i apologize for being a cunt..boyfriend BACK ON BOARD.eww i hate that word.. lest re do that GUY I HAVE A THING WITH, BACK ON BOARD.
sunday: play in the rain, go to las's house, try and do some homework, he umm well he, he,
okay so im not religious, at all, ive been to catholic and christian schools dibbled in budhism, dabbled in atheism, you know here and there... this day at 2:45 p.m i thanked the dear lord baby jesus that there was a man on top of me ( no sex yet readers but after today i cannot possible imagine anything being any better) digging my chipped black nailpolish into the small of his back, desperately tryingto find his lips for lack of a better plan to tell him how i was feeling, curling my toes for fear they would cramp i was pointing them so hard, arching backs, realll heavy breathing
( fuck this is lame im sitting here blogging when what i should REALLY be doing is an encore presentatoin of my fucking afternoon.....ANYWHO)
i dont know if he heard my religious confession, but im pretty much sure as shit GOD did...
thank you god. for inventing people, who invented fire, who then ate food, who then reproduced, who then built houses, then cars... so i was able to drive to HIS house today in my MOTHERS car, and thank YOU fr everything you have done to well, get me here.....
i should thank god more often..
shit im supossed to capitalilze his name huh?

fuckk i missed a day.

im sorry readers, i have missed a day and well tonights is basicaly just an apology, its hard to blog on the weekends, im tired in bed alone, i wonder how that worked out.. ahha well i will redeem myself i promise.
love love love
(seriosusly i know this is lame sorry)

Lets be honest here people.

Okay so I'm not even going to try and be artsy or demure or indie, i think tonight i will ust give it to you STRAIGHT.
I don't think people do that enough these days, and well its much appreciated so here it is kids RAW
-I am HORNY as fuck. I want to be scratched, bitten pushed into a wall, i mean i don't want to be tickled or have someone softly brush their lips against the curve of my stomach, i want to be GROPED, i hate that word but i also hate the frustration of feeling this way, i thought this only happened to boys MY GOD MAN, i truly feel for all those pent up freshman who don't even try and pretend they are looking at your face...i used to think that

"mentally undressing someone"
was just a gimmick. BOY OH BOY was i wrong, ive seen 13 different men today, some i enjoyed and well ome, i profoundly SPIRITUALLY enjoyed.
okay sooo this is really hard because im trying to be honest about everything but right now kissing someone like they have all of your god damn fucking oxygen and you want it back is prettty much all i can think about.
thats the kind of kiss i want, desperate like you cannot possiby pull your lips, hips, oh thighs any closer and if it were humanly possibly to push yourself through that persons body..well, youd already be on the other side...
shit man, this is just raunchy, sorry bout that...
peace and love...nope not tonight


-peace and SEX

"take me on a journey"

I dont know why but those are just the first words that came to minf when i clicked on that silly white box, you may have been informed kind reader that i am SOO into bloggin lately, its sorta what i do...
listening to belinda, not a very good song>>>>next please!
so i was thinking, if i were a door, what kind of door woul di want to be, where would i want to open...a house with two people performing a circus show... nooo an intimate love scene between i lively young man and an older woman hopefully named scarlett..no. (blink 182, god i loved them) hmm i think i would like to be a door to the bedroom of teenage couple just realizing that what they feel could be mistaken for love, or maybe well maybe just whatever you call the inability to peel your eyes off someones freckles when your 17...a letter was written today to a dear friend of mine...i cried, maybe a silent tear or two, it really sucsk throwing yourself into everything sometimes, because well seeing that it has happened so many freaking times to me, i wonder if any of it was really REAL you know? do i even know how to love? or just to look, appreciate, kiss, touch,scratch dream about.? i hope its more than that, if it isnt then i have something MINDBLOWING coming my way and i wonder if i will notice it or just mistake it for another one of those looks.
i look into blue eyes, green eyes and brown eyes today...my question is who's scars and freckles do i reallly want to memorize? are there any other colors...maybe someone with two different colors theres a conversatoin starter..now im just ramblng, wait thats wht this is for right? i just hope it doesnt turn into some moppey journal entry..
i wish some shiny dolphin (who can talk, DUH) would swim over to my bed and tell me the answer.
oh well.
au revoir.
(sorry this was so boring)

its sonjas prom.

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